You're Not Alone

Several years ago when I first started on this infertility journey, I felt very alone. Very, very alone. I had all these questions and it seemed like no one, besides my doctor, to talk to. Over the years, I've become more and more open with people about what we're doing/going through. And to be perfectly honest, it's helped me. A lot.

It used to be when I got the dreaded, "Do you have kids?" question, I'd just say "No." and that word would hang in awkward silence as we would both try to think of the next thing to say. Now, depending on the person I'll say, "No, we've been trying for a long time, but it just hasn't happened." This does two things: 1. It opens up further conversation. 2. If it makes the person uncomfortable, GOOD. I want people to know that that question is more complicated than they realize and sometimes just plain inappropriate.

Thankfully (and not thankfully), I have three friends who were also diagnosed. I say 'thankfully' because having them to talk to has been INCREDIBLY helpful. Sometimes you just need to vent about something that happened and it's nice to have someone to talk to who's going through the same thing as you. It's like a sisterhood.

It's also nice (again unfortunately so, because you don't wish these troubles on anyone) to see things like this video and be reminded that you're not the only one having to deal with this. PREG is where I go for my treatments and they are a wonderful group of folks.

Our fourth IUI didn't work, so we're moving on to IVF. I'm on birth control until November 24th, then I have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork done on the 26th, start Lupron on the 27th, and start ovarian stimulation on the 29th. From there the doctor monitors how my body responds to the medications I'll be on and schedules the egg retrieval based on that.

Here we go!

Update: FYI...

• 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC)

Another IUI

As you probably know by now, our 3rd IUI didn't work. I took a couple of weeks and sat on that information until I felt up to thinking about the next step. 

When we moved back here from Kansas City and I started seeing my original fertility doctor again, he told me they typically recommend 3 or 4 IUIs and then move on to IVF. So that's where my mind was when I finally called the nurse to check in and see what the next steps actually were.

Aside: during this time I saw my gynecologist for my yearly exam and when she asked the first day of my last period I answered, "Uhhhhh...the 7th or 8th? I think?" And she looks at me and says, "With you seeing a specialist, I can't believe you don't know the exact day!! I'm surprised your doctor doesn't yell at you!" Weeeeeeeell, sometimes you need a break from keeping track.

Back to my original story. The nurse clarified that when the doctor said 3 or 4 IUIs, he meant when you're not doing injectables (and I am). So she said she would do another IUI using both the pills and injectable. Even if she was talking out of her ass and that's NOT what the doctor meant, I'm not ready for the jump to IVF and was/am more than happy to try another IUI. 

I finished up the letrozole today and did my first injection of gonal-f. I have another injection to do on Thursday I think. Good news on the gonal-f front: the first time I got the script filled it was $300; our need-based application finally went through and this time we only paid $150. NICE.

IVF. IVF. IVF. What to do. What to do. What to do. 

Gut reaction: no. Why no? Reason #1 IT'S A SHIT TON OF MONEY. Reason #2 It feels unnatural to me - like I'd be interfering in my destiny (fate?) that I'm not supposed to have kids. IUI is too, but not to the extent IVF is (my personal feeling). And being eco-minded, I think that maybe not having kids is the more responsible decision. Reason #3 IT'S A SHIT TON OF MONEY. 

Second reaction: what if a certain number of years from now I regret making that decision? I don't want to decide no until I know I won't regret making it. I told the hubs the other day, "I wish there was a Cosmo quiz for this. 'Should you do IVF?? Take this quiz and find out!'" 

And that's that. If you have any tips on how to make this decision, please let me know.

"A Poet of the People"

Last weekend my other half and I went to the Carl Sandburg Home in Flat Rock, NC. I had seen the sign for the home on the side of the highway countless times but had my friend not said we should really go, I'm not sure I would have. And I'm glad we did because we had a blast!

The Carl Sandburg Home is a National Historic Site run by the National Park Service. It costs $5 per person to tour the house, but the grounds, trails, and barn are free.

For those of you who are like me and have no clue who this gentleman was, let me educate for a brief moment. Carl Sandburg was a famous (it surprised me how famous!) writer, folk singer, activist, Pulitzer Prize-winning poet and biographer (two for his poetry, one for his biography of Abraham Lincoln). He died June 22, 1967 and his wife sold the property with its contents and cultural resources donated to the National Park Service in 1968. One of the stipulations was that the calendar in the house remain open to June 1967. I wish I had taken a picture of it to show you!

Lake on the way up to the house and goat barn

View of the house from the trail

Trail leading up to the house. When we were heading back to our car a lady yells to us, "Is this hike worth it?!" We said, "Oh, definitely." And then Chris and I both look at each other and say, "Hike??" It was .25 mile and 100 foot elevation gain. Funny.

Lilian Sandburg's (wife) passion was goats and one of the main reasons they moved to North Carolina. All of the goats on the property are descendants of her original goats. Or so they say.

I used to want goats. And then I read parts of the keeping backyard goats book they had in their giftshop.

Chicken butts

Of course I had to take a picture of the piano

Every room was full of books; apparently the collection contains 12,000 volumes. This is actually the dining room. They weren't big tv watchers but every year Zenith would send them the latest television set they had made.

I fell in love with this kitchen and now I'm thinking my dream home will be in the mid-century modern style. ;)

Love it.

Love old appliances. Honestly, I don't even know what this is. Stove/oven?

I know what these are!

This guy's GOATee (haha - get it?) is AWESOME

The goat barn. It was a beautiful day to visit the Carl Sandburg Home.

And I will leave you with a fun little video of Carl Sandburg on What's My Line?.

A Little Bit of This...A Little Bit of That

So there really has only been two things that have occupied my time lately. The job search and fertility stuff.

I was really surprised that it took me as long as it did to find a job. I guess it's a sign of the times. The first job I got was working as a cage cashier at the local casino (graveyard shift). At this point, I didn't care what it was, I just wanted a job. I'm not going to go into detail, but let's just say it wasn't a good fit and I quit.

The next one I got was as a server at a pizza place with the initials of PH. That one was okay and I would've stayed had I not been offered my next two jobs. I was there for such a short amount of time that I never got to serve on my own.

Fast forward through all the boring details and I now have two part-time/temporary jobs: one at the university here and the other at a university in Asheville. I also took a midnight to 7:30am donut making job, but I quit that one after I realized it wasn't going to be what I was hoping.

I have something lined up for the fall, so I'm okay with having temporary positions for the moment. I'll let you know what happens with that when that time comes.

As far as the fertility stuff goes, we decided to do one more IUI. This will be our 3rd and the doctor recommends 3 or 4 before you move on to IVF. Just to give you an idea of the expense, here's what we've wracked up:

• $75 copay (2)
• $75 letrozole (causes more mature eggs to develop; interestingly, also used to treat breast cancer)
• $300 gonal-f injection (stimulates the development of follicles and eggs)
• $450 intrauterine insemination
• TOTAL: $975

The day of my cycle day 12 ultrasound, I had a positive ovulation test. Because it was positive, I technically didn't have to have an ultrasound, but I decided to anyway just to see how many mature follicles I had. Unfortunately, all of the follicles in my left ovary were immature, but I had 3 - possibly 4 - mature ones in my right. The nurse couldn't get a good view of the 4th one to measure it. The maturity is measured by how big the follicles appear in the ultrasound. So TECHNICALLY I could be pregnant with quads, but the odds are very very slim. I mean, I've had two other IUIs and didn't get pregnant so I'm not that concerned. 

I still have one more visit to the doc to get my progesterone level tested this Tuesday. And actually, this is pretty cheap compared to what we paid in Kansas City. Also pretty cheap compared to IVF. At any rate, I take a pregnancy test Tuesday after this and if it's negative, we'll need to look over the IVF packet the doctor sent home with me and make a decision.

Sometimes I get annoyed that we're going through this, but then I realized there are worse things. Like this woman who did 26 IUIs. 

Love

I love my husband. For many different reasons, but the first one that comes to mind right now is...

...because every once in a while, out of the blue, he'll say, "You need to update your blog."

Me: *sigh* I know...

I'm always surprised he actually cares enough to check it. True love, folks. True love.

I do have a lot of write about though. I'll put it on my list to do this weekend.

Happy Earth Day!

When we moved to Kansas City last August, I instantly realized that I had taken western North Carolina for granted. Since moving back, I've made more of an effort to get out and enjoy this beautiful part of the country I'm so blessed to live in.

The weekend after we put Athena to sleep, we went to Joyce Kilmer Memorial Forest and hiked the trail there. It's an easy two loops totaling 2 miles. From the USDA Forest Service site: This forest is one of the Nation’s most impressive remnants of old-growth forest. The forest contains magnificent examples of more than 100 tree species, many over 400-years-old, and some more than 20 feet in circumference and 100 feet tall.  

There are some other trails that branch off of the main trail, but we decided to go back and do those once the trees leaf out. Oh! I almost forgot! There are all these warnings posted..."This is an old-growth forest. Beware of falling limbs and trees." This is NO JOKE. We watched a tree fall not even 15 minutes into our hike. If our hearts weren't already pumping from the hike, they were then!

Canopy shot - trees just starting to leaf out

My boys

Q: Why did the Fungi leave the party? A: There wasn't mushroom. 

Trillium grandiflorum