Five Months

We had our "big" ultrasound yesterday. Baby Parrish is 13 ounces, has a 3.2cm long left foot, and a heart rate of 150bpm. The brain cysts are still there, but the doctor isn't very concerned and thinks they will "resolve". They can be associated with Trisomy 18. She was more upset about me not getting a tetanus shot after my friend's dog bit me on Tuesday! The tech couldn't see the four chambers of the heart, so I'll go back at 28 weeks for another ultrasound.

I really wish I had kept a tally of all of my ultrasounds since starting on this infertility journey. It feels like it has to be in the 30s by now. And unfortunately, more have been trans-vaginally than abdominal. TMI?

I'm still getting headaches every night so she recommended I buy a hypoallergenic pillow and see if that helps. She doesn't think this is normal and says she could recommend me to a neurologist, but that they would charge $500 and tell me the exact same thing. I purchased the pillows this morning, so we shall see. Cross your fingers!

20 weeks

Much love,

Now We Wait (Part 2)...

...for a baby!!

With all of our IUIs, I was told to test at home. With our IVF, I was scheduled for a blood test. I couldn't wait, so I tested the day before. And lo and behold...that sure looks like a positive.

Our reaction? Subdued optimism. Basically, we didn't want to get our hopes up. Especially since we read that false positives are common if you do the type of "trigger" medication I had done.

And then my blood test said I was pregnant. And then the next one said everything was still looking good. And then the next one said everything was still looking good. By the way, it was incredibly annoying to have to drive an hour into Asheville for these little blood draws! I think I did three or four total. We told our family and select friends right away since a lot  knew we were doing IVF.

Then we had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and got to hear the heartbeat!

Teeny, tiny Baby Parrish

At 8 weeks and 6 days, we had another ultrasound and this time we recorded the heartbeat.

A lot of people asked us if we were excited. We were, but again, it was subdued excitement. After so much disappointment, we were emotionally preparing for more disappointment. I don't know when we finally relaxed and said, "This is really happening. This is awesome!" I think for me it was maybe at 12 weeks when there was still a heartbeat and I was starting to actually feel something going on in my belly.

By the way, being pregnant is the WEIRDEST feeling (physically). To me at least. I'm pretty sure I felt the baby turn the night before last and then yesterday morning on my commute into Asheville. I told me supervisor and she goes, "Isn't that so neat?! I always thought that was the best part." And I said, "Well, it made me kinda nauseous actually." Haha!

So now I am four months and 1 week and just fit into my workout pants now. It's been quite the journey and I am so thankful for all of the support we have received from our friends, family, and the staff at PREG. I am absolutely thrilled with what is to come.

Picture taken last week - 4 months on the dot

Notes:

• We have decided not to find out the gender until he/she is born. Why did we decide to do it this way? Because we didn't choose to have problems conceiving...this was something we could choose. If that makes sense. It makes sense to me. :) 
• We transferred two embryos, but only one "took". I hope. I'd really like to not be surprised with a second at my 20 week ultrasound! (sometimes they hide)
• We have 4 frozen embryos that we'll use to try to add to our family at some point. I'll probably be older than 35 at that point (the cut-off age for Down's Syndrome testing etc) so I can't wait for the docs to push it on me and me continuously reply, "No testing. They're 33 year old embryos." I already know it'll happen. Assuming I get pregnant, of course. I think the quality of the embryos goes down as they're frozen and unthawed, so who knows what'll happen.

Thank you all for listening (or reading, rather) to our story. 

Now We Wait

It happened. Now we play the waiting game.

You're Not Alone

Several years ago when I first started on this infertility journey, I felt very alone. Very, very alone. I had all these questions and it seemed like no one, besides my doctor, to talk to. Over the years, I've become more and more open with people about what we're doing/going through. And to be perfectly honest, it's helped me. A lot.

It used to be when I got the dreaded, "Do you have kids?" question, I'd just say "No." and that word would hang in awkward silence as we would both try to think of the next thing to say. Now, depending on the person I'll say, "No, we've been trying for a long time, but it just hasn't happened." This does two things: 1. It opens up further conversation. 2. If it makes the person uncomfortable, GOOD. I want people to know that that question is more complicated than they realize and sometimes just plain inappropriate.

Thankfully (and not thankfully), I have three friends who were also diagnosed. I say 'thankfully' because having them to talk to has been INCREDIBLY helpful. Sometimes you just need to vent about something that happened and it's nice to have someone to talk to who's going through the same thing as you. It's like a sisterhood.

It's also nice (again unfortunately so, because you don't wish these troubles on anyone) to see things like this video and be reminded that you're not the only one having to deal with this. PREG is where I go for my treatments and they are a wonderful group of folks.

Our fourth IUI didn't work, so we're moving on to IVF. I'm on birth control until November 24th, then I have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork done on the 26th, start Lupron on the 27th, and start ovarian stimulation on the 29th. From there the doctor monitors how my body responds to the medications I'll be on and schedules the egg retrieval based on that.

Here we go!

Update: FYI...

• 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC)

Another IUI

As you probably know by now, our 3rd IUI didn't work. I took a couple of weeks and sat on that information until I felt up to thinking about the next step. 

When we moved back here from Kansas City and I started seeing my original fertility doctor again, he told me they typically recommend 3 or 4 IUIs and then move on to IVF. So that's where my mind was when I finally called the nurse to check in and see what the next steps actually were.

Aside: during this time I saw my gynecologist for my yearly exam and when she asked the first day of my last period I answered, "Uhhhhh...the 7th or 8th? I think?" And she looks at me and says, "With you seeing a specialist, I can't believe you don't know the exact day!! I'm surprised your doctor doesn't yell at you!" Weeeeeeeell, sometimes you need a break from keeping track.

Back to my original story. The nurse clarified that when the doctor said 3 or 4 IUIs, he meant when you're not doing injectables (and I am). So she said she would do another IUI using both the pills and injectable. Even if she was talking out of her ass and that's NOT what the doctor meant, I'm not ready for the jump to IVF and was/am more than happy to try another IUI. 

I finished up the letrozole today and did my first injection of gonal-f. I have another injection to do on Thursday I think. Good news on the gonal-f front: the first time I got the script filled it was $300; our need-based application finally went through and this time we only paid $150. NICE.

IVF. IVF. IVF. What to do. What to do. What to do. 

Gut reaction: no. Why no? Reason #1 IT'S A SHIT TON OF MONEY. Reason #2 It feels unnatural to me - like I'd be interfering in my destiny (fate?) that I'm not supposed to have kids. IUI is too, but not to the extent IVF is (my personal feeling). And being eco-minded, I think that maybe not having kids is the more responsible decision. Reason #3 IT'S A SHIT TON OF MONEY. 

Second reaction: what if a certain number of years from now I regret making that decision? I don't want to decide no until I know I won't regret making it. I told the hubs the other day, "I wish there was a Cosmo quiz for this. 'Should you do IVF?? Take this quiz and find out!'" 

And that's that. If you have any tips on how to make this decision, please let me know.

A Little Bit of This...A Little Bit of That

So there really has only been two things that have occupied my time lately. The job search and fertility stuff.

I was really surprised that it took me as long as it did to find a job. I guess it's a sign of the times. The first job I got was working as a cage cashier at the local casino (graveyard shift). At this point, I didn't care what it was, I just wanted a job. I'm not going to go into detail, but let's just say it wasn't a good fit and I quit.

The next one I got was as a server at a pizza place with the initials of PH. That one was okay and I would've stayed had I not been offered my next two jobs. I was there for such a short amount of time that I never got to serve on my own.

Fast forward through all the boring details and I now have two part-time/temporary jobs: one at the university here and the other at a university in Asheville. I also took a midnight to 7:30am donut making job, but I quit that one after I realized it wasn't going to be what I was hoping.

I have something lined up for the fall, so I'm okay with having temporary positions for the moment. I'll let you know what happens with that when that time comes.

As far as the fertility stuff goes, we decided to do one more IUI. This will be our 3rd and the doctor recommends 3 or 4 before you move on to IVF. Just to give you an idea of the expense, here's what we've wracked up:

• $75 copay (2)
• $75 letrozole (causes more mature eggs to develop; interestingly, also used to treat breast cancer)
• $300 gonal-f injection (stimulates the development of follicles and eggs)
• $450 intrauterine insemination
• TOTAL: $975

The day of my cycle day 12 ultrasound, I had a positive ovulation test. Because it was positive, I technically didn't have to have an ultrasound, but I decided to anyway just to see how many mature follicles I had. Unfortunately, all of the follicles in my left ovary were immature, but I had 3 - possibly 4 - mature ones in my right. The nurse couldn't get a good view of the 4th one to measure it. The maturity is measured by how big the follicles appear in the ultrasound. So TECHNICALLY I could be pregnant with quads, but the odds are very very slim. I mean, I've had two other IUIs and didn't get pregnant so I'm not that concerned. 

I still have one more visit to the doc to get my progesterone level tested this Tuesday. And actually, this is pretty cheap compared to what we paid in Kansas City. Also pretty cheap compared to IVF. At any rate, I take a pregnancy test Tuesday after this and if it's negative, we'll need to look over the IVF packet the doctor sent home with me and make a decision.

Sometimes I get annoyed that we're going through this, but then I realized there are worse things. Like this woman who did 26 IUIs. 

Some Updates

As I imagine you've probably already guessed, the pregnancy test came back negative. Not much else to say about it except I've accepted we might not have kids and that's okay. My husband and I have discussed what that means to us and basically it means a lot of fun (big) vacations and less stress. In going through this infertility journey, I found out about Resolve: The National Infertility Association. Under their "Family Building Options" section, they have information about "living childfree". I haven't yet read through it but plan on it at some point. It's interesting that information about this option exists; but when females are raised EXPECTING to have children and it's ingrained in your head that that's what you're SUPPOSED to do and you're not NORMAL if you don't, it's nice to know it's okay to live childfree and it can actually be quite liberating. I'm not ruling out trying again at some point, but I think a break is in order. It's hard on the pockets and hard on the emotions.

We're back in our house in North Carolina and it feels great! This is where we're meant to be for sure. Unfortunately, I don't have a job yet. It gets stressful at times, but I want the next job I take to be something I can see myself doing long-term.

I started working out again. Thank goodness! It's not even about the weight or fitting into clothes anymore Who am I kidding? It's totally about the weight and fitting into clothes! But...BUT...it's also about just feeling good about myself again. I didn't feel bad about myself before, I just didn't feel energized and happy. I signed up for this program called the Whole Life Challenge that starts on May 3rd, so hopefully that'll be another kick in the butt. It'll be starting at a good time for me...just about the time I'll be starting to slack off on exercising. ;)

Until next time!

Cue 'Hold' Music

http://twentytwowords.com/the-princess-bride-pregnancy-test/

And now we wait.  February 21st is the day.  Cross your fingers!

Not So Brief Life Update

Hello friends!

So a lot has gone on in the last six months.  I don't think I mentioned it but we moved to Missouri in August for a job my husband took.  Unfortunately, the job hasn't worked out, so we'll be moving back to North Carolina in...oh, about a month.  I'm excited but still sad to leave all of the friends I've made here.  There are some nice folks in the Midwest!

There are really only three major items taking up my thoughts right now.

1. Jobs
I was able to get two part-time jobs here.  One at REI and one as a froster at Nothing Bundt Cakes.  I have to say, the best thing about moving out here was that I was allowed to try some things I hadn't had the opportunity to try before.  One of the things I really enjoy is when I get a little sick of REI, I have NBC to break things up.  And vice versa.  Frosting has been really fun.  The people I work with are great and it's nice to just chill at work and frost up some cakes!

2.  Our Fertility Journey
Many people already know what's been going on so I'm not going to shy away from this subject.  I'm also of the opinion that these things should be talked about.  Well, let me clarify.  If you prefer to keep it to yourself, great.  But for me, it's helpful to talk to people about what we're going through.  And I hate having this feeling that I shouldn't talk about it because it's one of "those" subjects.  I don't know...maybe it's just all in my head.
Anyway, I realized last night that this month (assuming I'm doing my math right) marks three years of us trying to conceive.  We were seeing a specialist in NC (did one IUI that didn't work) and now we're seeing a specialist here.  We're set to do another IUI soon.  I'm currently taking fertility pills (letrozole) and an injectable (gonal-f).  That was pretty scary...injecting something into myself.  Never had to do that before!

It's been interesting to note the differences between the two specialists.  The one in NC is all about getting you pregnant as inexpensively as possible.  Seriously.  The doctor said that.  The doctor here, however, is very thorough.  Which is good and bad.  Good: they've covering all of the bases.  Bad: it's costing WAY more.

I guess I should back up here.  I haven't explained why we haven't been able to get pregnant.  That's partially because I don't really know.  The only thing that's popped up in all of the tests is that I have low ovarian reserve.  From the time I saw the doctor in NC to the time I saw the doctor here, my AMH level dropped from 0.98 to 0.74.  If you're interested, check out this site: http://www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/information-for-gps/amh-explained.aspx.  You can see from the graph that I'm in the red zone.  EEK!

*Side note: I just read this..."Very low AMH, usually considered AMH below 1.05 ng/ml, has been associated with extremely low pregnancy chances and many IVF centers flat out deny treatment to women with such low levels of AMH."* 

Oh such a rollercoaster.

I had an ultrasound on Monday and they saw 4 resting follicles in my right ovary and 6 in my left.  For an average woman, they like to see 12 in each.  So that gives you another comparison.

I go back on February 3rd for another ultrasound and more blood work.  Keep your fingers crossed for us that the IUI works this time.  I'm not sure I can emotionally handle any more procedures so this might be our last shot.

And funny thing.  It just goes to show that you never know what life has in store.  Expected to get married straight out of college...got married at 28.  Expected to have kids fairly easily...might not have any.  I think the faster I can come to terms with that, the easier things will be.

3.  Athena      
My rottweiler turns 11 on Friday.  WOO!  But she hurts and basically hobbles to her next spot and lays down.  It breaks my heart.  I love that girl.

So that's my life in a nutshell right now.  I didn't intend on leaving on a sad note.  And really, it's not.  We're going to have a party for her and we're all going to have lots of treats to celebrate her turning 77.  ;)

Take care all!